How People Respond to Workplace Incivility and Why

Context matters more than the behaviour itself  

When workplace incivility occurs, the behaviour itself is only part of the story.  What often matters more is what happens next. How we respond to these behaviours in the moment, whether we speak up, stay silent, or withdraw, shapes not only our experience, but the culture around us. 

How people respond to incivility depends less on personality and more on context. 

More consistent than any other response in my findings and in the findings of other research on this topic was the experience of thinking,

“Am I being too sensitive?”

Yet, contrary to what we might think or feel instinctively, responses to incivility are rarely driven by personality or resilience alone. 

Instead, they are shaped by the context around us. By leadership behaviour, power dynamics, psychological safety, and the perceived consequences of speaking up.  In other words, we adapt our responses to what the system makes possible. Back to that quote about culture that Scott likes to use;

“Your culture is dictated by the worst behaviour you are willing to tolerate”. 

Across my research, three dominant response patterns emerged which I categorised as resolution, relief-seeking, and resignation - taking inspiration from another fantastic piece of research about responses to misfit in work (see Follmer et al., 2018 in the references). 

What became clear, through the participants’ stories in my own research, was how strongly context, culture, and leadership behaviour shaped which response felt possible or safe at the time.  

Resolution: When respect is the norm, confrontation feels possible 

Think back to a time someone was rude to you in work, how did you respond? Did the environment allow you to act in the moment and address the behaviour?

If we know this behaviour isn’t the norm, or the environment lends itself to a psychological safety where you can challenge this type of behaviour, it is far more likely that you will call it out and resolve it in the moment before it has an opportunity to become a norm. In positive work environments, we often feel able to call out uncivil behaviour and seek resolution. 

What this might look like is where you feel safe to speak directly to the person involved or you’re comfortable raising it with a trusted manager and seeking support to help repair the relationship.  When this works, it is rarely because we are particularly confident or courageous.  It is because the surrounding conditions support action and so you feel empowered to speak up. 

The vast majority of research will tell us that constructive confrontation is the most effective course of action for relationship repair. It is crucial to note that this effectiveness is strengthened when it is underpinned by ethical leadership and a positive cultural environment. 

Where expectations of respect are clear, where leaders intervene early, and where accountability is applied consistently - speaking up feels less risky, and incivility is more likely to stop before it becomes entrenched. 

Confrontation only works when leadership is willing to act. 

Importantly, confrontation alone is rarely enough - leadership action is the critical differentiator. Confrontation without organisational backing can sometimes have the opposite effect. 

If you were to raise concerns and see no response, or experience subtle retaliation, the message is clear: speaking up is unsafe. 

Relief-Seeking: Managing the impact instead of addressing the behaviour

Unsurprisingly, more common than not, we respond to incivility with avoidance. We will try to manage its emotional impact rather than addressing the behaviour itself.  This can include seeking support from trusted colleagues, talking things through with friends, practising self-care, or consciously choosing to respond with civility in the hope that the behaviour will not escalate.  

These strategies serve an important function. 

Emotional support and social affiliation can buffer the immediate effects of incivility and help individuals continue functioning at work. 

However, relief-seeking strategies tend to operate at an individual level. They help us cope, but they rarely change the conditions that allowed the behaviour to occur in the first place.   

Over time, this can lead to a normalisation of disrespect where these bad behaviours are endured. We might feel some relief chatting about them privately, but it means the behaviour is left unchallenged and able to spread. 

Resignation: People stop speaking up long before they leave 

In what we might term “toxic” work environments, where incivility is tolerated or minimised, a different response often emerges - resignation.  This doesn’t always look like a dramatic exit, storming out the door shouting, “I quit!”.

More often than not, it shows up subtly in the form of emotional distancing, disengagement, reduced participation, avoidance of certain individuals, or a gradual loss of motivation and crucially, confidence. It is a quiet quitting of sorts. But not to be misunderstood - silence in these contexts is not indifference.  It is often a rational response to risk. 

When we believe that raising concerns will be ignored, trivialised, or used against us, withdrawal becomes a form of self-protection. Over time, this disengagement can erode trust, commitment, and belonging, long before we decide to hand in our notice and walk out the door. 

Shared bonds in uncivil environments

 

One response that is less often discussed, but frequently observed, is the formation of shared bonds when we experience similar disrespect. 

We all have that work-friend group from years ago where every time you meet, the first ritual is a kind of group counselling before you move on to present-day life. And if you don’t have one of these, count yourself one of the lucky ones.  

In teams where incivility comes from a common source, we often find solidarity in one another.  These shared experiences can foster connection, mutual support, and even resilience.  

From a psychological perspective, this reflects social learning and emotional contagion.  We look to others to interpret what is happening around us, and emotions, particularly negative ones spread quickly through groups.  It helps us quickly answer that question we often plague ourselves with -

“Am I being too sensitive?” or “Am I going crazy?”

While these bonds can make difficult environments more bearable, they are not a solution.  Disrespect left unaddressed, can mask deeper cultural issues and will allow the worst behaviour you are willing to tolerate to persist and spread. 

What do these responses tell us? 

Taken together, these patterns point to an important conclusion: we respond to incivility in ways that make sense within our organisational context. Silence, confrontation, avoidance, coping, and withdrawal are not signs of weakness or resilience, they are adaptive strategies. 

If we want different responses, we need different conditions. So, culture context is everything.  

In the final blog in this series, we turn to the organisational side of the equation. If we understand how people adapt to incivility, what responsibility do organisations have to design cultures that interrupt the cycle rather than reinforce it?  

Reflection

Consider how you respond to incivility or disrespect in your organisation? And what rude or unpleasant behaviours do you see every day that are tolerated or subtly rewarded? What could you do today that might help move the dial towards a more civil, respectful environment for you and your colleagues? 

If you need help diagnosing your organisation’s culture and behavioural norms, get in touch with us and we would be happy to have a chat at hello@inspiringchange.ie. 

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References:

Andersson, L. M., & Pearson, C. M. (1999). Tit for Tat? The Spiraling Effect of Incivility in the Workplace. Academy of Management Review, 24(3), 452–471. https://doi.org/10.5465/AMR.1999.2202131 

Follmer, E. H., Talbot, D. L., Kristof-Brown, A. L., Astrove, S. L., & Billsberry, J. (2018). Resolution, Relief, and Resignation: A Qualitative Study of Responses to Misfit at Work. Academy of Management Journal, 61(2), 440–465. https://doi.org/10.5465/amj.2014.0566  

Hershcovis, M. S., Cameron, A.-F., Gervais, L., & Bozeman, J. (2018). The effects of confrontation and avoidance coping in response to workplace incivility. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 23(2), 163–174. https://doi.org/10.1037/ocp0000078  

Miner, K. N., Settles, I. H., Pratt-Hyatt, J. S., & Brady, C. C. (2012). Experiencing Incivility in Organizations: The Buffering Effects of Emotional and Organizational Support. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 42(2), 340–372. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00891.x  

Walsh, B. M., Lee, J. (Jessie), Jensen, J. M., McGonagle, A. K., & Samnani, A.-K. (2018). Positive Leader Behaviors and Workplace Incivility: The Mediating Role of Perceived Norms for Respect. Journal of Business & Psychology, 33(4), 495–508. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10869-017-9505-x